She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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