dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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