I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
