A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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