Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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