just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
My vagina is officially offended.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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