Where is the hickey?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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