I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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