i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
