last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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