watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
