Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm bleeding and have questions
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
