found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
