you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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