I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
