I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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