i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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