Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
