I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
