What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
