Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
