Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
