Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
