i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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