woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
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