I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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