he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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