I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
