Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
