You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
