eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
