I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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