Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just found a bag of teeth...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
