i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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