So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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