I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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