You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
