If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
