Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
