I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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