i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
