she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
