When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
