i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
4 words: hood of his car
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
