they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
