Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
