Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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