My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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