I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
