Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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