I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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