mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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