You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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