fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
