I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
