My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
