Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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