new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
