there's paper in my vomit.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
