I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My cat gives me a boner
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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