I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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