i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
