Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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