I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
