We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize